To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everyone else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~ E. E. Cummings
I care deeply for hurting people who are fighting their own battles. I understand that most people are imperfect with flaws and foibles. They have wounds and traumas that are sometimes triggered and cause them to have meltdowns. I know that even the most loving person has flaws and occasional bad days, do something insensitive or hurtful, misunderstand, or violate another’s boundaries. I try to allow others the freedom to not be perfect. At the same time, I am not perfect either. I have my weaknesses and occasional bad days and I also need the freedom to be imperfect.
I think there is a difference between trying not to hurt others and allowing them to remake us into what they want us to be. There are sacrifices we can make for others and those we must not make. For example, I’ve had a friend who is very afraid of all kinds of birds. Out of love for her, I wouldn’t drag her out to see my chickens. However, I also wouldn’t deprive myself of having chickens because of her fear. If I invited a vegetarian to dinner, I’d try to serve him vegetarian food. However, I wouldn’t become a vegetarian myself to please him. Likewise, I don’t think that I should have to change my sense of humor, change how I express myself, change what I write on my blog, or share only things they approve of on my social media pages to make them feel happy. If I fundamentally change myself to please others, I lose my own identity.
I think it would be very easy for wounded people who want to never be wounded again to start to demand that others be perfect for them, that others be responsible for providing safety for them. That’s a trap that I try very hard not to fall into. I try to maintain a balance between the boundaries of them and me. Allowing others to enjoy their own identities shouldn’t mean that I must lose mine.
If we expect someone to never fail us, to always be perfect, we are actually expecting them to be like God, who never fails and is always faithful. No human can be that. If we expect others to be what we want them to be, to meet our approval, we are actually attempting to remake them into our own image, to overwrite their identity with our own. Essentially, we are attempting to be a god in their lives. We can’t demand others give up their freedom to be themselves and live their own lives so that the world feels safe for us. This is wrong. This prevents us from overcoming, from growing, from becoming strong. We can’t expect to get stronger if we demand others lift weights for us.
I don’t get angry or offended very often. Most of the time I don’t feel the need to confront others because I understand that people are imperfect and they don’t usually intend to hurt. Many times I don’t even mention that they said something that I struggled with because I believed it was unintentional or something they were free to say. But sometimes behaviors are hurtful enough that they must be confronted so they don’t erode the relationship. Although not pleasant, I think a person should be able to tell me if I’ve done/said something that hurt them. Doing so does two things: 1. If I have genuinely done/said something wrong, it allows me to apologize and change. 2. If they misunderstood my words/actions, it gives me the chance to defend and explain myself. The reverse is true too: If I can approach another person about the way she hurt me, I allow her to either make it right or correct my misunderstanding. In each case, the hurts are addressed and the relationship can be restored. If we are prevented from confronting issues, they are not resolved, and they can grow into a barrier that can’t be broken down.
My sister was extremely critical of me and occasionally she would verbally rip into me about everything she disliked about me until I felt emotionally battered. Then she would say, “There! Now that we have discussed this, let’s never bring it up again.” Only she had never let me say a word. I forgave and endured this for many years until finally one day I said, “No, WE haven’t discussed this, YOU have. If WE don’t BOTH have an opportunity to speak, our relationship will be ruined–and I love you too much to let that happen. You need to let ME speak too.” She was offended and eventually our friendship fell apart as I predicted. Although I really wanted to be friends with her and tried really hard to be, I don’t honestly think we ever had a good relationship.
I learned from my experiences with my sister. In my opinion, at least three things must exist for a relationship to be healthy and strong: One is to not constantly criticize and condemn the other. Constant criticism is an attempt to control others. The second is to give each other freedom to be our own selves. A relationship must breathe. Finally, there must be reciprocity in a relationship. If one person can criticize/confront and the other can’t, if one can speak and the other can’t, if one is expected to change him/herself for the other, it’s not a relationship of equals. It is one of master and slave. No matter how much I love someone, that’s not the type of relationship I want or can endure. I still allow others to confront me if they think I’ve done something wrong or hurtful, but I also insist on the opportunity to confront them. If they hurt me, I will try to approach them once or twice to resolve the problems but if they refuse to hear me, I will open my hand and let them go. I will no longer spend years and years trying to one-sidedly mend a relationship that they make no effort to keep.
Do you remember
Who you were before
the world told you
who you should be?
She’s still there.
Go after her.
~ Erica Layne
BELOVED DAUGHTER of the King 