The Hardest Battle

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everyone else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~ E. E. Cummings

I care deeply for hurting people who are fighting their own battles. I understand that most people are imperfect with flaws and foibles. They have wounds and traumas that are sometimes triggered and cause them to have meltdowns. I know that even the most loving person has flaws and occasional bad days, do something insensitive or hurtful, misunderstand, or violate another’s boundaries. I try to allow others the freedom to not be perfect. At the same time, I am not perfect either. I have my weaknesses and occasional bad days and I also need the freedom to be imperfect.

I think there is a difference between trying not to hurt others and allowing them to remake us into what they want us to be. There are sacrifices we can make for others and those we must not make. For example, I’ve had a friend who is very afraid of all kinds of birds. Out of love for her, I wouldn’t drag her out to see my chickens. However, I also wouldn’t deprive myself of having chickens because of her fear. If I invited a vegetarian to dinner, I’d try to serve him vegetarian food. However, I wouldn’t become a vegetarian myself to please him. Likewise, I don’t think that I should have to change my sense of humor, change how I express myself, change what I write on my blog, or share only things they approve of on my social media pages to make them feel happy. If I fundamentally change myself to please others, I lose my own identity.

I think it would be very easy for wounded people who want to never be wounded again to start to demand that others be perfect for them, that others be responsible for providing safety for them. That’s a trap that I try very hard not to fall into. I try to maintain a balance between the boundaries of them and me. Allowing others to enjoy their own identities shouldn’t mean that I must lose mine.

If we expect someone to never fail us, to always be perfect, we are actually expecting them to be like God, who never fails and is always faithful. No human can be that. If we expect others to be what we want them to be, to meet our approval, we are actually attempting to remake them into our own image, to overwrite their identity with our own. Essentially, we are attempting to be a god in their lives. We can’t demand others give up their freedom to be themselves and live their own lives so that the world feels safe for us. This is wrong. This prevents us from overcoming, from growing, from becoming strong. We can’t expect to get stronger if we demand others lift weights for us.

I don’t get angry or offended very often. Most of the time I don’t feel the need to confront others because I understand that people are imperfect and they don’t usually intend to hurt. Many times I don’t even mention that they said something that I struggled with because I believed it was unintentional or something they were free to say. But sometimes behaviors are hurtful enough that they must be confronted so they don’t erode the relationship. Although not pleasant, I think a person should be able to tell me if I’ve done/said something that hurt them. Doing so does two things: 1. If I have genuinely done/said something wrong, it allows me to apologize and change. 2. If they misunderstood my words/actions, it gives me the chance to defend and explain myself. The reverse is true too: If I can approach another person about the way she hurt me, I allow her to either make it right or correct my misunderstanding. In each case, the hurts are addressed and the relationship can be restored. If we are prevented from confronting issues, they are not resolved, and they can grow into a barrier that can’t be broken down.

My sister was extremely critical of me and occasionally she would verbally rip into me about everything she disliked about me until I felt emotionally battered. Then she would say, “There! Now that we have discussed this, let’s never bring it up again.” Only she had never let me say a word. I forgave and endured this for many years until finally one day I said, “No, WE haven’t discussed this, YOU have. If WE don’t BOTH have an opportunity to speak, our relationship will be ruined–and I love you too much to let that happen. You need to let ME speak too.” She was offended and eventually our friendship fell apart as I predicted. Although I really wanted to be friends with her and tried really hard to be, I don’t honestly think we ever had a good relationship.

I learned from my experiences with my sister. In my opinion, at least three things must exist for a relationship to be healthy and strong: One is to not constantly criticize and condemn the other. Constant criticism is an attempt to control others. The second is to give each other freedom to be our own selves. A relationship must breathe. Finally, there must be reciprocity in a relationship. If one person can criticize/confront and the other can’t, if one can speak and the other can’t, if one is expected to change him/herself for the other, it’s not a relationship of equals. It is one of master and slave. No matter how much I love someone, that’s not the type of relationship I want or can endure. I still allow others to confront me if they think I’ve done something wrong or hurtful, but I also insist on the opportunity to confront them. If they hurt me, I will try to approach them once or twice to resolve the problems but if they refuse to hear me, I will open my hand and let them go. I will no longer spend years and years trying to one-sidedly mend a relationship that they make no effort to keep.

Do you remember
Who you were before
the world told you
who you should be?
She’s still there.
Go after her.
~ Erica Layne

Within The Silent Chambers

“Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.”
~ Unknown

It seems as if these days, especially in the last few years, we’ve heard a lot about people being emotionally “triggered.” I’m not a psychologist, but I’ve been thinking about this and have decided to write about what I believe triggering is, isn’t, and how to deal with it.

Basically, a trigger is something that elicits a strong memory. ANYTHING can trigger a memory–situations, places, things, smells, songs, phrases, sounds, motions, movies, holidays, foods, and the list goes on.

Everyone has memories triggered every day. Some things can trigger nice memories: The smell of baking bread can trigger a memory of Grandma baking bread. Seeing fireflies can trigger childhood memories of chasing them on summer evenings. Holding a newborn child can trigger memories of holding your own newborn. Some things can trigger negative memories that make you cringe, wince, sad, or feel regret. Everyone’s triggers can be different and something that triggers a good memory for one person can trigger an unpleasant memory for someone else.

Usually when people talk of “being triggered,” they are referring to something triggering memories of a terrifying event, causing flashbacks, nightmares, depression, and/or severe anxiety. Triggers are different from true threats. Non-threatening situations can trigger a traumatic memory that causes an autonomic, involuntary, fight-or-flight response. Most people think of this in relation to veterans with PTSD. EJ once worked with a veteran who went right from war to working in their noisy factory. The veteran dropped to the floor every time there was a loud bang. In war, dropping to the ground could have saved his life. In the factory, there was no real threat so dropping to the floor was unnecessary, but the loud noises triggered an intense memory that caused his body to react. The veteran EJ worked with started wearing a helmet to work, no doubt hoping it would make him feel safe. However, he soon quit because the PTSD was too intense for him to handle at the time.

Soldiers are not the only ones who suffer from PTSD. Victims of abuse, crime, or terrorism, people who were involved in severe accidents, and many others can suffer from it. Our veteran nephew once quoted that “PTSD is a normal response to an abnormal situation.”

Some people are genuinely triggered by trauma but it seems as if EVERYONE these days claims to be a triggered victim. It’s gone to such ridiculous levels that they have meltdowns if someone uses a word they don’t like, or has a different belief, or eats different food, or their school has a mascot they don’t like…It’s gotten to the point where a person can’t even breathe without someone being “triggered.” People who falsely claim to be triggered hurt those who genuinely are because others get so tired of hearing them that they stop listening to people who really are victims. It seems to me that false victims are much like toddlers who throw a tantrum in a store because Mommy didn’t give them what they wanted. Trauma reactions and tantrums are not the same thing. But I also ponder whether some people might emotionally fall apart because society has enabled and taught them that they need to be provided “safe places”–so they never learned how to handle disappointments, failure, pain, and hardship. Rather than take responsibility for their own growth, they expect everyone else to.

I believe that we can–and ought–to be compassionate, understanding, and supportive of people who suffer from the effects of trauma. However, I also believe that each individual is responsible for fighting for his/her own recovery, healing, and growth. No one can do it for us. For example, the veteran I mentioned above was genuinely suffering from PTSD. Others could/should give him support and help. However, it would be wrong for him to demand that the whole world become quiet for his benefit–all factories be quiet, people tiptoe around him to avoid ever making any noises, and no one ever allowed to celebrate with fireworks because they trigger him. People have to learn to regain their own life, not demand that others stop living theirs.

The same applies to victims of other traumas as well. I have fiercely fought “battles within the silent chambers of my own soul” to overcome abuse. My personal battle involved breaking free from those who tried to press me into being who they wanted me to be and who rejected me when I resisted. I get triggered by messages of guilt, accusations, blame, manipulation, lies, and control because those were the tactics used against me. Those previous two sentences do not convey the hard battles I’ve fought to be my own self and not let my own identity get overwritten and destroyed. I believe that my triggers reveal areas of my life that I need to strengthen. At times I’ve shared some of my struggles with others; other times I’ve struggled silently. I don’t expect anyone to fight this battle for me. They can help but it’s MY battle to fight. Only I can free myself. Only I can stand firm in who I was created to be. I see progress in myself; I am aware that I have more work to be done. I’ve learned a lot along the way and my experiences have shaped and strengthened me in unexpected ways. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t gone through what I did.

The Country Of The Blind

I love stories because I think in metaphors, and I think stories can very powerfully illustrate deep truths. A well-told story can drive the truth deeper than a list of facts. I think that’s why Jesus often taught with parables.

Becoming

“A school is wherever a man can learn, Mr. Shafter, do not forget that. A man can learn from these mountains and the trees, he can learn by listening, by seeing, and by hearing the talk of other men and thinking about what they say.”
~ Louie L’Amour (Bendigo Shafter)

(Un)Creation

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be…and there was…” God created humankind in his own image; in the image of God he created him. (Gen 1)

The Book Of My Life

I have debated with myself for a couple weeks whether to begin my story with a short summary of my life or just skip to writing things I’ve thought about, questioned, and learned along the way. But as Malcolm Reynolds said in the 2003-2003 TV series Firefly, “You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle.” Without some background, some context, I’m not sure if the rest will make sense. So here goes.

The Difficulty In Writing

The difficulty I have in writing a blog like this, a blog in which I share my inner thoughts, is that I often see one thought, concept, or experience as connected to many others. If I write about one thought, there are many connected thoughts that I am not writing about, which are important to understanding the context.

I Have Decided…

When I was a child, we used to sing a song in Sunday School called, “I Have Decided To Follow Jesus.” The lyrics go like this:

I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.

Though none go with me, I still will follow,
Though none go with me I still will follow,
Though none go with me, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

My cross I’ll carry, till I see Jesus;
My cross I’ll carry till I see Jesus,
My cross I’ll carry till I see Jesus;
No turning back, No turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me,
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.

Restart

I’m endeavoring to restart this blog.

I haven’t posted in this blog since 2012. That’s a long time. More than ten years. More than a decade. More than one-tenth of a hundred-year life. A lifetime of living has happened in those years: My family experienced separation from abusive relatives. Our son was diagnosed with cancer. We moved to a beautiful new location. And we had many ups and downs, joys and sorrows between those.

Blessing for the Letters

Yesterday morning I was working out on my elliptical machine when I felt tiny arms hug me. Startled, I looked back and saw my cat, Little Bear, standing on his hind lets on the cover over the back wheel and hugging me. Awwww. I love my cats and dog. They are all so lovable and interesting.