I Have Decided…

When I was a child, we used to sing a song in Sunday School called, “I Have Decided To Follow Jesus.” The lyrics go like this:

I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.

Though none go with me, I still will follow,
Though none go with me I still will follow,
Though none go with me, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

My cross I’ll carry, till I see Jesus;
My cross I’ll carry till I see Jesus,
My cross I’ll carry till I see Jesus;
No turning back, No turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me,
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.

Even as a child, I sang that song as a prayer, as a determined commitment, to follow Jesus no matter what. “No turning back,” I vowed.

Years later, in my mid-20s, I had a powerful experience in which I believe God personally offered me a choice. I won’t describe the details, but the choice was this: “You can choose to have all your dearest dreams come true but only have a very shallow relationship with Me. Or you can choose to know Me deeply, but your way will lead through suffering.” I considered this choice for several days because I thought that such a choice should be made thoughtfully and seriously, not quickly or flippantly. A person should consider the cost of an endeavor and whether she can see it through. But I finally decided that “My dearest dreams come true would be nightmares if God is not in them” and my true desire is to know Him so I chose to put my hand in His and let Him lead me.

I have sometimes wondered if I had imagined that God actually personally presented me with a choice. But then I considered that it didn’t matter. I mean, anytime a choice presents itself–whether from God, a person, or just one you ask yourself–and you decide which you would choose, that is the choice you will pursue. For example, if someone asked you, “Would you prefer to live in a city or in the country?” then your answer would be the choice you would make if you decided to move. You’d pursue the goal of living in the city, if that was your preference, or the country. Even reading about my choice above, if you consider which you would choose if given a choice–right there you have been offered and will make your choice. You will pursue whichever is more important to you. I hope that makes some sort of sense.

Before being offered this choice of dreams or suffering, of a shallow or a deep relationship with God, I was called “Wise,” “The Caring One,” and “What a Christian should be.” Shortly after making my choice, my life became difficult. Through the years, there have been waves upon waves of difficulties: abuse, rejection, insults, financial hardship, chronic illness, our son’s battle with cancer, loss, and many other things. Sometimes I wanted to give up, but then I would think to myself, “I was given a choice and this is what I chose,” and I would strengthen my resolve and carry on. Sometimes I cried out to God that I didn’t have the strength to hold on to Him so “Please hold on to me and don’t let go.” He didn’t.

When I was a child, I used to pray that God would teach me truth–about Himself and about myself. I think that could be why later He offered me a choice. A few years after I made my choice, I began to pray “Teach me Your truth–no matter where it leads me or what it costs me, I want to know You.” This is a dangerous prayer that corresponds to a dangerous choice. I call them “dangerous” because they lead to choices, places, and experiences that are not comfortable, that are filled with difficulty. Our path through life has taken us to places/circumstances that we never imagined we’d be in.

In writing this post, I think I sound like such an awesome Christian. Ugh. To be honest, I often feel overwhelmed, confused, weak, battered, bruised, crushed, damaged, crippled, lost, weary, and heartbroken. But EJ and I have both agreed that if we could do life over again, we’d make the same choice and pray the same prayer–because what is life without God? He is worth pursuing, He is worth knowing, no matter what it costs. We both agreed that we “have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back.”

‎”The spiritual life does not come cheap. It is not a stroll down a Mary Poppins path with a candy-store God who gives sweets and miracles. It is a walk into the dark with the God who is the light that leads us through darkness.” ~ Richard Rohr