EJ and JJ are having a good time up north. They are hunting on a 100+ acre property that is owned by his friend’s uncle. They are nice and comfy in a heated deer blind. JJ took this picture with his cell phone this morning:
EJ and JJ will return home sometime tomorrow, so this is my last day day alone. I made a big pot of chili. Usually EJ is the one who makes chili, and he makes it SO GOOD, but I thought they’d enjoy chili when they got home. I might also make them an apple pie. Maybe.
I took my dog Danny for a walk this morning. The weather has been quite warm for November lately, but today it turned colder. When I walked Danny, we had a few snow flurries, but right now we are getting snow showers. That’s fine with me–I actually prefer the winter months. I like winter clothes and winter food. I like wrapping myself up in a pretty quilt and cuddling with the cats. I like hot drinks and the cheerful glow of the fire in the wood stove.
I also talked to a friend on the phone this morning. She also has difficult family–and even more difficult in-laws. It seems as if there are more and more difficult people these days.
I have spend my week alone in a lot of prayer. I see how divided my heart has been–between wanting a relationship with my family and wanting protection from them, between wanting to set healthy boundaries and feeling guilty for setting them, between thinking I am doing the right thing and not sure if I am. I have been asking God to heal my spirit and make me whole.
I am feeling quite stupid right now. I got a knock on the door a few minutes ago. It was someone wanting me to sign up for a program that would give reduced rates on my gas bill. I know better than to sign up for unsolicited offers, and I felt very uneasy about it all….but I was sleepy and I’ve been feeling so shattered and divided in heart lately…so I ended up signing on the dotted line. Afterwards, I thought, “What have I done? I know better!” It felt not quite right. So I called my gas company and asked them about it and they said it was not them who came to my door (they don’t do that) but it was a legitimate company that offers alternative energy. Apparently it had to do with the supplier so I’d still get bills through my energy company. I did not want to sign up with another company (especially without my husband’s agreement) so I called the unsolicited company back and cancelled them. Hopefully there will be no repercussions from this mistake. I feel so stupid, disgusted with myself, and sick at heart that I did what I know better to do. I keep telling myself, “Never, NEVER agree to offers of people who come to my door unsolicited.
This is indicative of what I have been feeling since I’ve had contact with my family. I am not always so stupid, but contact with my family shatters me and makes me feel unsteady, unsure, and indecisive inside, and unable to set boundaries or make decisions. This is why I get so panicky and emotional when I have contact with my family.
I have been asking God this week to please help me to walk in His truth and to heal my shattered spirit. I cannot even begin to tell you the ways in which my family destroys my strength. I truly pray God will strengthen me and heal me…