On Monday my husband and son drove four hours north for deer season. They are hunting on a 100+ acre wooded property that belongs to his friend’s uncle. It’s very beautiful up there.
I do not go with my son and husband for several reasons: 1. Someone needs to care for the animals. 2. I think it’s a good thing for EJ and JJ to have father/son time together. JJ does not like to hunt, but he enjoys the whole experience with his Dad. And 3. I get some ALONE TIME.I wouldn’t like to be alone all the time, and I do really miss my guys toward the end of the week and hardly can wait for them to return, but once a year it’s really nice to have a few days go to do whatever I want whenever I want to with NO DEMANDS. I go to bed when I want to and I get up when I want to. I eat–or don’t eat–when I want to. I get to drink the WHOLE pot of coffee without sharing, and I can walk my dog whenever I want to–and even twice in a day instead of once.
This year I have spent a lot of time studying Hebrew with my friend in Texas. Monday we spent hours and hours studying and talking together, with only an hour break for lunch and supper. Tuesday we spent about 3 1/2 hours studying together. We plan to get together tonight too. So its not even as if I am alone. We laugh a lot as we try to work out the Hebrew words–sometimes I laugh until tears fill my eyes and I can’t see the Hebrew words. I don’t think I have laughed so hard in years. It’s good to laugh.
My friend is good to talk to because she grew up in a family worse than mine. She is farther along in healing than I am. I am still grieving over the family I never had, and I still struggle with guilt over setting boundaries, and I still wonder if I am truly the monster my family paints me as, and I still agonize over whether what I’ve done is what I should have done. but she is able to set firm healthy boundaries without feeling guilt, and she can trust that God knows her heart even if she is imperfect. She says God protected her from her family because she has always lived far, far away from them, and that I must be very strong to be able to live so close to my family without going insane. However, I don’t feel very strong–especially when I’ve had recent contact with my family.
During my alone time, I always spend a lot of time talking to God. I have been asking Him to heal my spirit, among many other things. My family makes me feel shattered. They have never left me alone for very long, and most of the major events of my life–like my wedding and birth of my son–are overshadowed by their unloving acts.