I think that if a person has read what I have written for the last month without knowing all the history behind it, they’d think I was an awful person–very unloving, unforgiving, and emotional about my family. But there are years and years of rejection, hurt, frustration, endurance, perseverance, and more behind what you have read in the last few weeks.
No matter how I have responded to my Mom (or family), it ends up being wrong in her eyes. For years I have told what a rotten daughter I am–a daughter who for no reason rejected and abandoned my Mom when she has done so much for me. When I was silent all those years, I heard my Mom say that she has no clue how she hurt me. When I speak up, then I become a rotten daughter who attacked my Mom. Of course, there is no mention of how I might have felt all those years when I was repeatedly told how horrible I was, and no acknowledgement that if speaking up was nasty when I did it, why isn’t it nasty for them to do it? So much of my experience with my family is like this: Things are ok if they do it, but not if I do it. If I do one thing it’s wrong, but if I do the opposite it is also wrong. They have a list of wrongs they believe I committed, but they will ever “forgive me.” Yet, they also never leave me alone. So they won’t “forgive” me but they won’t let me live in peace either. There is never anything I can do to fix the relationship. If I knew they genuinely wanted a relationship and were repentant/forgiving, I would not even remember their offenses against me, but I have endured their cycles of “niceness” and anger, unrepentance/unforgiveness so many times, that I cannot trust anything they do.
Having contact with my family always makes me feel frustrated, confused, and depressed. This last Sunday I was very, very depressed. Today I was better, but I still am very discouraged, and I will have to fight hard to remember my blessings so that I will not go deeper into discouragement. I am having trouble seeing my blessings. Right now I am just seeing the difficulties, and asking God what life is all about.
This is why I want absolutely no contact with my family. I am tired of dealing with their craziness and the depression I feel when they enter my life. I can’t keep going through this or putting my EJ and JJ through it.
Well, I could write more, but it is 2:10 a.m., and 6:30 a.m. comes very early so I guess I should try to get to sleep.